Apparently when I was 6 months old, my mom took me to the pediatrician and asked if he’d put me back – or take me – or somehow make me stop crying. She’d been holding me for 6 months ‘cause nothing else seemed to work. He told my mom it was part of my personality and would work in my favor one day. Until that time, she could either hold me, or just close my door and walk out. I suppose there was a happy medium, but have parenting philosophies, including attachment parenting and sleep training, changed so much over the years? Penelope Leach and Dr. Spock are still on the shelves and in the conversations, along with Brazelton, Spears, Harvey Karp and Ferber, to name just a few.
My son used to wake up the minute I began shifting position from holding him after nursing in order to put him down into his bassinette. As he got older, he’d grab my hand through the crib slats or sign more for more “tushy rubs” if I was so cold hearted as to stop. Later, he began to sign cheese please while standing in his crib – once he stopped nursing and realized he didn’t like milk, his body was still craving calcium and he still wanted company, so a little bedtime cheese seemed to help. Yeah, I never claimed to be a normal family.
We always sang to him at nighttime too; sometimes he’d sign lion to request “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” One time we were singing harmonies and repeats in the song, ‘cause we thought he really liked it – he was applauding, after all… and he became so very deliberate in his applause, that upon closer look I realized he was actually signing STOP!
Anyway, this is supposed to be about sleeping not signing…so I’ll get closer to my point here. We always had a bedtime routine. Bath, ballad or book, boob, bed. The more fatigued and ready to sleep they were, the less time it took, but it was often a long time before our boys fell asleep deeply enough for us to leave the room. Yes, there were nights I wished they’d just fall asleep already because I needed to unwind in my own way (which usually meant falling asleep next to my husband on the couch). And there were nights I’d fall asleep in their room too. When they were newborns, they’d fall asleep with me on the sofa after (or during) nursing. And honestly, the few nights they fell asleep quickly in their own beds, I felt like I was missing something.
Naps were another situation altogether. As newborns, my boys nursed and napped on and off much of the day. As they grew, they seemed to sleep less and less. I remember my older son waking up at 6:30am and still being awake at 1pm – nearly every day. It was exhausting. And it was exhilarating. I had the incredible opportunity to be a mom, just what I had always wanted. We sang, we read, we played, we explored, we cuddled…he rolled over at 4 months and recognized the sign for his favorite toy at 5 months and began to sign about the same time he tried crawling, just after 6 months… He didn’t want to miss anything, so trying to put him down for a nap wasn’t easy. But putting him in the carrier or stroller and taking him out for a walk was a breeze. He actually loved feeling a breeze in his face, and if he’d had an active morning, he would fall quickly to sleep. I didn’t always know if he’d sleep for one hour or three, but I had some time to grocery shop, grab a coffee, or just wander through the park. Once in a while I’d be able to sit down and read a book or even clip his nails. I met a lot of mom friends during those walks, something I’d have truly missed if I had to adhere to a strict nap schedule with my son needing to sleep in his crib. That said, I admit to envying my friends who knew exactly when their child would nap or fall asleep for the night, and how long they’d sleep. Yet some of those same friends were unable to make plans too far from home because they had to get back for nap time. And some of those same friends missed putting their babies to bed at night because they got home from work too late. Others would arrive home to their partner pacing in the living room or watching TV with headphones as the baby “cried it out” in the bedroom.
We tried letting our baby cry it out. Once. For 2 ½ minutes. Yep, I timed it. We just couldn’t do it. It’s not right for every parent and it’s not right for every child. Some say it’s not right for anyone, as it disrupts the bonding process and can lead to increased stress, separation related trauma, lack of trust and empathy, a false sense (for parents) that baby can truly self-soothe and become independent. My own feeling was that there would be plenty of time for them to become independent and not nearly enough time to hold them before the “hold me, help me, hug me” would become “don’t touch me.” So if you can’t do the “cry it out” thing either, it’s okay. There are other ways to help your baby sleep, from co-sleeping to gradual and supportive separation in their own room.
I did have a friend for whom the Ferber method worked like a charm with her kids. One or two nights crying followed by months of easy to bed, full nights of sleep. I was definitely the tired one whenever we got together for our kids to play. But I also noticed her looking at her watch a lot during our playdates. She was very concerned about nap schedules (or she just didn’t enjoy my company?) and so unfortunately there wasn’t a lot of quality time together.
We all have to make our own choices, follow our instincts, read our children’s signs and feel comfortable with our responses to the challenges we are bound to face as parents.
There are two articles here that might shed some light on the differences between “no cry” sleep training and the Ferber method. I’ve also included the link to sleep tips from Parenting Science. I have no relationship with this website or their writers, but I like the research aspect with information, not opinion. We can be opinionated ourselves. 😉
parentingscience.com/Ferber-method.html