A guest post by Rachael Holmes — I never thought I would start 2020 in a pandemic. But then again I never thought I would start 2020 pregnant. After 4 years of infertility and treatments, 2020 found me pregnant in a pandemic. No big deal. At first being in lock down during the ever common first trimester nausea and fatigue was a blessing. However, soon I found myself yearning to share my experience with other people.
My husband was considered an essential worker and never had one day in lockdown. So I was mainly by myself day in and day out. I was too scared to go anywhere and to do anything in fear of catching COVID-19 or losing the baby. I was fortunate that my job was intact and they allowed us to work virtually for three months. This should have been the happiest time of my life, but instead I felt robbed of my experience that was 4 years in the making.
Fast forward to October and I had my beautiful rainbow baby, Ziggy. Everything that I went
through up to this point immediately disappeared. The heartache, the waiting, the loss, the
pain all led me to my baby boy. The one feeling that lingered though was loneliness. Here I had
this wonderful baby and I wasn’t able to share him with anyone. No visitors were allowed in
the hospital or our home due to COVID-19 and our pediatrician’s advice. Two weeks later my
husband went back to work from paternity leave and there I was again by myself. But this time
I had another human relying on me to pull myself out of MYSELF. I started taking a ton of
photos. I mean a ton. I went into my pregnancy not wanting to put my baby on social media.
But COVID-19 changed that decision. If I could not share Ziggy in person I would share him on
Instagram with my friends and family. This helped but didn’t take away the loneliness
completely.
In Ziggy’s second month everything began to change. I’m not sure if it was that Christmas was
approaching and there was something to look forward to or that Ziggy was getting his
two month shots and I was able to introduce him to some family and friends. But my moods
began to shift and I was finally feeling the joys of motherhood. As my post partum blues gradually
began to dissipate, I was getting ready to go back to work. This, as others may know, brought
another whirlwind of anxiety. I was just finally starting to enjoy being home and being with my
baby all the time and it was already time to go back to work.
I created a schedule for Ziggy in the weeks leading up to my return for work. This definitely
helped my type A personality feel more at ease. I went into work the first day and you know
what!? I didn’t cry. I absolutely missed him but I also didn’t realize how much I missed
conversing with other people in person. Luckily as a music therapist, Baby Fingers provider, and
baby teacher, I was surrounded by little ones to love when I was not with Ziggy. But now a
new fear was looming; contracting COVID-19 from more exposure and the possibility of
passing it on to my 3 month old.
As you can imagine, being a music therapist during a pandemic where singing is considered a
super spreader can be challenging to say the least. My colleagues and I had to come up with
creative ideas for our music therapy sessions that kept everyone engaged but most importantly
safe. We started the summer with face shields but quickly moved to masks to provide more
safety. In addition, we moved most of our music therapy sessions outdoors for the summer
and fall. But the winter months left us with no other option than to take our sessions indoors.
Now that we are almost a year into the pandemic, our protocols have become almost second
nature. Every child, teacher and therapist washes their hands before entering the room,
masks are worn (ages 2 and above), in music all children have their own designated shakers that get disinfected after each class and children are seated 6 feet apart from one another.
Fortunately I’ve not only had my job, but some flexibility there too. Instead of a five day work week, I divide my hours into four days. My husband, his aunt, and my mom each have a day or two with Ziggy; we are very thankful that we have family nearby to help us out. For moms who are not quite ready or able to work, I encourage you to try making a schedule for you and your baby. Having a schedule – even a flexible one – really allows my day to fill up with meaningful moments. When I am home with Ziggy, our schedule consists of daily walks, book time, singing and signing with Baby Fingers, baking, and cuddle time. It’s also important to have alone time. I love to clean, workout and read. Listening to books on audible while I clean or workout is especially relaxing for me, and provides the ‘me-time’ I need.
My friends at work and my time in classes (even live online) have been so helpful. I still go through each day with fear that I might catch COVID-19 and give it to Ziggy, but I can say, wholeheartedly, that I am not lonely anymore.